2021 In Film

Every year, I take the month of January to catch up on as many of the films I missed throughout the year as I can. This post/list/sleep aid is the result of my annual maniacal start to the new year. And yeah, I realize it’s nearly February but the academy has only begun their own voting process. So shhhhhhhhhhhhut it.

One of the final films on my list to see was Spielberg’s remake of “West Side Story.” This one always seemed like a bad idea. Why remake something widely regarded as a stone cold classic? Now, specifically for me, West Side Story holds a special place in my heart. This was a family film for me growing up. Both my parents were fans and showed the film to my brother and I beginning when we were still pretty young. For my mother to be a fan was no surprise. She liked cool things like Martin Scorsese and David Lynch.

Quick side note: My mother really was my introduction to two of my all-time favorite directors in the two aforementioned gentlemen. As a small kid, I was really into Star Wars. I also loved to read and so my mother figured I’d like Dune. That was my introduction to David Lynch. I didn’t just watch movies, I would also read the boxes in the rental store and study the opening credits. Dune was based on a book and so I immediately had respect for it, lol. It was directed by David Lynch and I knew that was super important because it was the final name listed. Okay, Dune rocked this little kid’s socks and Lynch was on the radar.

I was still too young to really dive into Lynch though, lmao. I remember my parents renting Blue Velvet and me trying to sneak into the hallway to catch some of it because I was most definitely not allowed to watch that one yet myself. Next up was Twin Peaks and I remember my mom being really into the show and though I didn’t understand a lot of what was going on, it was Lynch and the guy from both Dune and Blue Velvet and so I watched some of it too. Those who know me know that in the years since, Lynch has established himself as my all-timer and Twin Peaks rivaled perhaps only by LOST as my favorite piece of visual entertainment ever.

But I digress.

We were discussing 2021 in film and I just whisked us away to the 1980s for two separate tangents. Back to tangent number one. The real kicker was that my father loved West Side Story. “But dad, it’s a musical.” My father was always your prototypical country boy tough guy. He was happiest watching Robert Redford trudge through the snow for three straight hours. He loved Chuck Norris and shit like that.

And…a musical?

Yep.

So West Side Story was the rare treat where the entire family could bond over something we all pretty much equally enjoyed. My skepticism of the remake remained for a long time. Yeah, I know it’s Spielberg and he’s responsible for my favorite film of all-time. Hell, He’s responsible for probably two of my top three films of all-time. Double hell, he’s probably got a half dozen films in my top twenty five. What the hell was I worried about?

Spielberg hasn’t seemed like himself in a long time. A loooooong time. In recent years, it’s felt like he’s either lost the rhythm or the joy. Well, even if it was only for one film, he regained it all back because the West Side Story remake is an absolute triumph.

This triggered another thought: Man, I haven’t seen “The Outsiders” in a long time. And I’m happy to report that in recent years, Coppola has revisited his film and added scenes back in — scenes deemed unnecessary to the runtime when originally released. Adding these scenes back in allows the story to focus on what was always most important: the relationships between these damaged and sensitive boys. It helps show the macho antics as armor and the giant rumble near the end of the film as the useless exercise in toxic masculinity that it always was. If you haven’t seen the film before, or haven’t seen it in a long time, first read the book. Always read the book. But then go ahead and check out “The Complete Novel” version of the film. I think you’ll be glad you did. (The courtroom scene is still hilariously terrible though)

And now, several million words into this manifesto, we have the films of 2021. First off, 2021 electrified me as a film lover way more than 2020 did. These twenty five films I liked quite a bit and there are fifteen more that I’ll add on at the end that I also really enjoyed. There are at least seven films on this list that I love enough to have already purchased on disc or plan to — maybe more. But enough is enough and it’s time for the list.

1. DRIVE MY CAR – This is the most recent film I’ve scene and caused me to completely rewrite everything about this list. (Full disclosure: I always anticipated this though) The moment I read about this film coming out of Cannes, I was in. The trailer was great and it was based on a short story by Haruki Murakami, one of my all-time favorite authors. Still, I was blown away by the humanized beauty of what I saw for three hours the other night. The film is full of moments where humans are human and that’s all. It’s simple and profound. It will make you smile and laugh and cry real, deep, emotional tears. A film about the highs and lows of life and how trying to subdue yourself into the middle road can lead you nowhere. Cigarettes hanging out of the sunroof. Those who’ve seen it know what that means.

2. C’MON C’MON – A film where Joaquin Phoenix plays a documentarian who is tasked with taking care of his young nephew for a few weeks. Until I finally saw Drive My Car, this was firmly at the top of my list. Joaquin Phoenix is everything anyone could ever want in an actor. His range, both intellectual and emotional, is fucking limitless. He is as good an actor as I have ever seen and this may be my favorite ever performance from him. Another film about human beings trying their best to be human beings. And another film that made me weep.

3. THE GREEN KNIGHT – Art. This film is like an interactive art exhibit come to life. Mesmerizing and deeply strange and perfectly told. Every single shot in this one feels like it could hang on the wall of a museum. Seriously dropped my jaw. Dev Patel is one of the most underrated actors working today and I hope he and David Lowery continue making art together.

4. WEST SIDE STORY – My favorite Spielberg film since…I don’t even know? Munich (seriously underrated Spielberg) or Minority Report? Nah, it’s better than those. Saving Private Ryan? Nah, I think I prefer this to that one as well. Schindler’s List? Okay, maybe there’s the line. Still, that was nearly thirty years ago but also marks the moment where I feel like Spielberg became a bit more serious and eventually his worked suffered as the message began to smother the joy of the work. For me, he recaptured nearly all of the joy and cleverness from his 70s and 80s output with West Side Story. It’s only sad to me that it released during a pandemic where a ton of new eyes have yet to find it.

5. THE TRAGEDY OF MACBETH – The best adaptation of this work I have ever seen. Another jaw dropper. Minblowingly beautiful for every single second of it’s runtime. Joel Coen laid waste to anyone even thinking of adapting Shakespeare. Someone asked me: How was Denzel? And I was like: The fuck? I just told you to see this at all costs, that it’s a masterpiece and Denzel fucking Washington is playing Macbeth. How do you think he was?

Okay, I wasn’t quite that mean about it but for real? It’s Denzel and yes he crushes it. CRUSHES it. Also, Corey Hawkins delivers what should be a star making performance in this as Macduff.

6. LICORICE PIZZA – Paul Thomas Anderson has yet to make I film I haven’t dug. I feel like he’s one of those filmmakers whom I occupy the same mental wavelength with. Licorice Pizza is no different. There’s been a ton written about this film already and I disagree with a lot of it. I can see where the criticisms are coming from but I personally feel like the film was aiming at something totally different. I’m not going to get into it all here — maybe later, around late March perhaps? But this was maybe the funniest film of the year. Cooper Hoffman. This was his first film? Alana Haim. This was her first film? Jesus Christ these two had insane chemistry together and total command over every scene. And there’s Bradley Cooper who gave this year’s most hilariously over the top performance. Every single second of Cooper in this is a riot. He damn near steals the entire film in about four scenes. Another future purchase for me.

7. THE POWER OF THE DOG – The first third of this film, I thought Campion had seriously miscast the role of Phil Burbank with Benedict Cumberbatch. Whoops. Jane Campion deserves to win every directing award handed out for her work on this film. I’m glad to see she was nominated by the DGA already. “The Power Of The Dog” unfolds like a really great, challenging book (which it was based on). Campion sets each scene with precision and every actor in the film each give subtle yet profound performances. This one surprised me.

8. NIGHTMARE ALLEY – Bradley Cooper again! I’m a huge fan of Guillermo Del Toro. He’s on that list of: show me nothing just tell me where to be and I’ll see it. Nightmare Alley is like a rotten onion of a movie where each layer gets peeled back to reveal a little bit more of the worst of mankind. It’s marvelous and the most gorgeous movie of the year. Also my favorite film score of the year. Also easily the best final scene of any film this year. Fucking haunting.

9. THE FRENCH DISPATCH – I love Wes Anderson. And this was maybe the most Wes Anderson film Wes Anderson has ever made. It’s almost like he could sense someone was about to make a “Wes Anderson type” film and said to himself: well, allow me to set the bar a little higher. Loved it. Give me more. I hope Bill Murray lives forever.

10. PIG – The surprise of the year for me. I’m a huge fan of Nicolas Cage. He never stops and more importantly he’s never stopped giving a damn about his work. He is always “all-in.” If you’re a filmmaker and just hired Nicolas Cage, you’re getting 100% of him. I have an immense amount of respect for Cage exactly because this is his outlook. He’s amazing. And “Pig” ended up being a completely different film than I thought it would be, albeit a much better film. It completely subverts genre conventions and plays with the dead carcass of those old thoughts. Plus, this is the best Nicolas Cage performance in DECADES. Hey Academy voters, nominate him you cowards!

11. RAGING FIRE – Donnie yen. Nicolas Tse. Abandoned church fight with a sledge hammer. You’re welcome.

12. DELIVER US FROM EVIL – Operatic violence only the way the eastern hemisphere can deliver these days.

13. BOILING POINT – Single camera shot drama about the owner/chef of a restaurant on a busy night. Stephen Graham is one helluva actor.

14. THE HAND OF GOD – From the director of “The Italian Beauty.” More unbelievable Italian artistry on display by Sorrentino. Another one that snuck up on me.

15. THE HARDER THEY FALL – Jonathan Majors is poised to be a HUGE star. Great dialog. Great cast. Cool as fuck. Great time. Plus: Delroy Lindo!

16. DUNE – Yes I talked about the Lynch version earlier. I realize that wasn’t a great adaptation of the novel. This one is. Epic filmmaking from Denis Villeneuve.

17. VAL – I love Val Kilmer and I miss him being in movies. This was a true treat from one of my all-time favorite actors.

18. Roadrunner – I cried the day Bourdain died and I’m getting emotional typing these words now. I cannot understate how much of an inspiration Bourdain has always been for me. I miss him so much every single day.

19. GODZILLA VS KONG – Big dumb fun with just enough heart. A script that knows to just get out of the way and also that Kong should be a part of the emotional core of the film. What do you want me to say? I love Kong.

20. LAST NIGHT IN SOHO – A weird one for me. Super fun, messy movie. I dug it a lot but still probably my least favorite Edgar Wright film. I’m not dissing it because I’ve liked all of his work and he’s another filmmaker where my only question is: what’s next and where do I need to be?

21. THE SUICIDE SQUAD – James Gunn cracks me the fuck up. He just does. I’m laughing right now thinking about the animation of how King Shark runs. It’s fucking hilarious. I laughed so hard, like three minutes in that I missed the next five minutes. Plus, it’s now spawned the Peacemaker show and that one is pure chaotic joy.

22. CANDYMAN – I like this one. Very pretty to look at. Felt like a cool idea for a legacy sequel.

23. COPSHOP – The attitude on display makes up for anything else this film might lack. Carnahan can be hit or miss for me but this was a definite hit. A good, old fashioned, 70s throwback of a stupid action flick. It’s good.

24. OLD HENRY – Another western? Hell yeah, another good one. I will beat the drum of Stephen Dorff until I die. He fucking rules and he’s a great villain here. Another good, old fashioned film.

25. WEREWOLVES WITHIN – Sam Richardson is one of the funniest people on the planet. He’s currently killing it on After Party for AppleTV+. Formerly killing it on Veep and Detroiters and anything else he’s been in. This is a cool, silly, sarcastic as shit, funny movie.

That’s the top twenty five. And now for fifteen more I enjoyed (in alphabetical order so you know I went to school and shit).

Antlers, Belfast, Don’t Look Up, No Sudden Move, No Time To Die, North Hollywood, Shang-Chi, Small Engine Repair, The Beta Test, The Card Counter, The Guilty, The Last Duel, The Matrix Resurrections, The Super Bob Einstein Movie, Vacation Friends.

I’m tired now. I’ve wasted enough of your time. I’m gonna go do something else now. Next week…I don’t know…I’ll figure something out. Until then, love each other.

Shapes And Colors

When I was a baby, I stared at everything with wide-eyed wonder. Of course I don’t actually remember this but I’ve been told it over and over again, until the story implants itself as memory. The same can probably be said of my first actual “memory” of this world: me sitting on my dad’s lap and watching ET, completely mesmerized. I was only two years old at the time, could I actually remember this? Does it even matter anymore? The story has been with me so long, no matter whether it’s actual memory or not, at some point becomes irrelevant.

My father would always whisper to me, right in my ear, as I stared out at all the beautiful shapes and dazzling colors: what’s that? So much so, that when I was old enough to begin talking, it was a constant barrage of questions about the state of everything around me.

I’m still like that to this day and it’s still incredibly difficult to get me to shut up once I get going. I’ve learned a lot about myself since I made the move from New York to Texas. For one, There’s a rage inside me which fuels me in my daily endeavors, both creative and otherwise. I think I’ve been angry and frustrated at the world and at myself for not being better at handling the world on a daily basis. Writing has always been an outlet, allowing me perspective and time to see things in black and white. But the world isn’t black and white, is it? And it’s reductive to try and force your problems and issues into a singular camp. You’re not dealing with anything, rather, you’re compartmentalizing. When writing wasn’t enough, I’d just sulk and act bitchy with everyone and anyone around me. I’d project my own shit onto them. And then I’d retreat into myself.

My pets have always been the driving force for good in my life. They know. They always know. And they’re always willing to crawl through the storm for me. My pitbull knows that plopping her metric ton head into my lap can burn away nearly all the negativity in a room. She’s magic.

What I’ve learned to do over the course of 2021 is recognize when darkness is descending on me and deal with it head on. Ask myself questions and actually answer them. It’s like a flashlight with the power out — a beacon guiding you home. It’s daily work but it’s good work and it’s worth it.

I stepped away in June of 2021 because I was lost. I didn’t know what to do about anything. Earlier in the year, my wife of eighteen years began having an affair. To call the revelation devastating is an understatement. But what are you going to do? Give up? Quit life? And yeah, I thought about it but what’s even the point of that? You have to be willing to dig deeper and arrive at an absolute truth. Sit there in the depths of the bottom and look around before you look up. My marriage had gotten lazy and communication dried up. We spent ten years in bliss and then her accident changed our relationship — except we never acknowledged that. We carried on for another seven before moving to Texas and Covid hit — changing everything once again. The next year saw us both fall into unacknowledged, un-discussed, and un-dealt with depressions. We reacted differently. I shuttered in and she acted out.

It was easy at first for me to just blame her and be angry and bitter and hurt. She stepped out. But it’s not black and white. And once I looked around there in the depths, I saw my own failures and it was oddly comforting. It was okay because I was still here. Yes, life was going to be different. We separated. She moved out and began a new life with this person. It hurt but it was also okay. Things happen. Human beings are messy and life is hard. Mistakes are just that and sometimes mistakes aren’t even totally mistakes. They happen and then turn into flashlights themselves, showing us a new path. We’ve looked around and now the beam is shining up.

So I got a new job — one I’ve wanted for a long time. A rep for a paint company. I’ve been in the industry now for over twenty seven years so it was about damn time I really put the knowledge and experience to proper use. I crushed the interviews and began with a fervor. Turns out, this job is the EXACT job my entire skill set has been designed for. I’m paid to talk to people and teach them things. It’s a match made in heaven. Hell, I’ve learned about the four main types of people you encounter: talker, supporter, controller, doer. You guessed it, I’m a talker. And talk I must. And talk I do. Everyday. All day. I’ve met tons of awesome people at the five stores I’m responsible for and every day is just a little bit different. I love it and I’m happy again.

And sure, the personal stuff is still there to deal with but we’re finalizing the divorce and it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. There’s no bitterness or anger. Why spend your time holding onto to this resentment — it’s pointless. So I don’t. I smile and think about the great run we had and I allow myself to be excited for the rest of my life. I’m forty-two, there’s a lot left. I’ve met someone new and she’s pretty much the coolest person I’ve met since I’ve been out here in Texas. She gets me and that’s a great head start.

So yeah, I’m back. The writing never really stopped but it did get too sad at one point and then fragmented but soon, the fragments began taking shape once again and the fire began building once again and here they just exploded into shapes and colors.

And I still find them beautiful and dazzling.

Next week, my favorite films of 2021. Until then, love each other.

Unknowable – A New Poem

A ripple in the water

Exposes the danger beneath

Simple to miss

In a torrid stream

*

Lurking hands searching

For an unsuspecting victim

The ability to breathe underwater

Comes in handy when drowning

*

An astronomer knows the sea

The way a fish knows the sky

Yet nature knows death

The way a pencil knows paper

*

Understanding

Building

Breaking

Unknown

*

Fickle fiends sway

Like the reeds dotting a swamp

Absorbing the heat and the wet

Of the ever-beating heart

*

And they connect

They fight and wrestle time away

Forming the tempestuous bond

Of love

*

Poem Or Essay? You Decide

I’m floating
among the debris
all my hopes and dreams surround me
weighed down by my failures and hang ups.

Haven’t been myself for a while
tried so hard to stop every tomorrow from becoming today
lost myself for too long
ignoring all who love me because why?

Because I couldn’t handle what was happening and I didn’t like who I was. And so I shuttered myself in, battened down the hatches, determined to retreat into the cellar. But the storm was already here. It was already inside and I was the one who let it in. At first, it tricked me but soon it was me who was the driving force. I was the storm and I was out searching for anything to destroy. The infection grew to the point where I lost the will to do anything about anything. A feeble acceptance of a faux fate. I couldn’t even recognize my own face in the mirror.

Joy became a four letter word
deception breeds obsession
or is it the other way around?
I wonder.

Words felt like an unending gun fight
punctuation piercing me like lead
and then the unthinkable happened
and I really didn’t know what to do.

I searched for answers but the quicksand caught hold. They tell you not to struggle but something told me to fight. Something told me this was it. All or nothing. Yet I spiraled. Then I prayed. I prayed to a God I’ve never believed in. I did this because I was all out of ideas on my own. All of a sudden I realized that I really want to be here. I really want tomorrow to be today. And so I tried. And then the day after, I tried again.

Failure isn’t to fear
the complex isn’t real
even though it feels like it is
hope always burns brighter.

A piano plays somewhere off in the distance
melancholy yet poignant
pain and joy are siblings
and families love no matter what.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again. The face I see in the mirror is the face I’ve missed this whole time. And I know I’m still floating but my failures and hang ups are floating right there next to me with my hopes and dreams. There’s no longer an anchor because I’m buoyed by love. I know it won’t always be easy and I know that I’m not instantly all better but I’m trying and more importantly, I want to try. Everyday. All day. Each moment is one you never get back. Each moment matters.

Joy spreads
you can find it anywhere
if you know how to look
it doesn’t have to be hard.
Don’t fear the dark
but life needs balance
the equation is always different
but the math is actually very simple.

I choose to love with ferocity. Because the ones who love me back deserve my all. Every ounce. And I’ll gladly give it. Because there’s nothing more important. Every single day is a gift. Every single one is like Christmas morning. The joy is returning, even for the smaller things because when you zoom out, they’re all the same anyway. I am filled to the brim with love but I’ll somehow find a way to make room for more. I want more. I want to give more. I want the work. I want the struggle. I want the satisfaction. I want.

And I’ll shout, “I love you!”
to the ones who matter most
no more hiding from anything
even if a cloak seems inviting.

I was shown a path
bathed in warm light
which kept the darkness at bay
and allowed me to return home.

Doom – A New Poem

Spinning cyclone in the night

Eye of terror haunting the light

Shadows bred from radiance

Bolder still with an audience

*

It is the light it scared away

It is the God worshipped today

*

All bow to its tendrilled minions

Obedience taught as its first lessons

Don’t you dare remove your stare

Don’t you dare, don’t you dare

*

It is your life to be consumed

It is your guide to your doom

*